By Maren Sandra Jansen of the Gloria Dei Mental Health & Recovery Ministry
I’ve lived much of my life with depression and major depression. From depression memories as a young child, through my teenage years and through most of my adult years when I was given the diagnosis of major depression. Finally, after years of therapy and trying several different antidepressants, I tried a new antidepressant (my “miracle” AD). My major depression went into remission. To this day, my major depression is considered mild, even though I no longer can use my ‘miracle’ AD.
One of the few clear memories I have of my early life was from when I was only 3 or 4. My family lived at one end of a row house in Philadelphia. My best friend was a neighborhood girl living at the other end of the row. We’d get together in her basement every day to play with paper dolls.
That ended when my father heard about it. He took me away from my friend and insisted I play ball with a group of neighborhood boys. Before long, it became clear that I couldn’t keep my parents’ approval (or even love?) unless I behaved as a typical boy. It’s at this point that I first remember feeling depressed.
One day in ninth grade I arrived a little early for health class. So, I was alone in the classroom when the teacher walked in, sat down behind his desk, and promptly told me that it’s okay to be different. I’m sure he saw me give a deer in the headlights look. Then I wanted to thank him for his kind words, but I couldn’t speak.
The truth is that I never could pull off acting like a typical boy. At some point when I was about 14 years old, as my dad was driving me home from organ practice, I told him I wasn’t like the other boys. He became irate telling me “Don’t say that; you’re just like the other boys.”
It was then that I knew I could never tell him about what the health class teacher had told me. It was not okay to be different in my dad’s way of thinking. At last, I understood why it had been so important to him that I not play with paper dolls with my friend who happened to be a girl years ago. And why my dad had wanted me to play ball with the boys instead.
Later in high school I told my dad I was depressed. His response was an angry “What have you to be depressed about. Maybe I should send you to a psychiatrist.” I told him I wished he would, but he didn’t.
I suspect that my dad viewed any sign on my part that I was not quite straight and maybe depressed on top of it as failures on his part. He may have also been afraid for me should I not be straight. When my parents and I were older, I accepted that they had done the best they could by me. That is given their own life struggles and difficult upbringings. I forgave them and let them know that I loved them.
I first saw a psychiatrist when I was 23 years old. That’s when I was diagnosed with major depression. And this began years of seeing psychologists and psychiatrists and trying many antidepressants.
I was told by at least two psychologists that I had been an emotionally abandoned child. One therapist said I was allowed to grow up like a weed, without parental support.
As an older teenager I had suicidal thoughts. I was very unhappy with the changes of puberty in my male body, with my female gender and soul.
I reached out to my home church’s pastor to share my thoughts of suicide. He was non-judgmental and very kind as he told me to think about how my family and friends would feel if I were to kill myself. After telling him I accepted what he was saying, I asked “but what if life is intolerably painful for me?” He responded with something like “then suicide would be okay.” Talking with Stan (we became friends for 40 years) may have saved my life.
There was another time in my life when I felt suicidal. I felt the total absence of God, for real. At first, no one could have convinced me that God was there with me. Two things brought me back from the brink and restored my connection with God:
- A supportive, understanding phone call with a man at what was then called something like the National Suicide Prevention Hot Line.
- The ongoing presence, prayers and support of a Roman Catholic nun who was a close friend.
When I was about 58 years old, my psychiatrist told me about a patch for the transdermal delivery of a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI). My understanding was that MAOIs were usually reserved for those whose treatment with newer antidepressants had failed. MAOIs also had strict dietary requirements.
The patch name was EMSAM (it delivered the MAOI selegiline) and, unlike MAOIs taken in pill form, the lowest dose version of the EMSAM patch had no dietary restrictions.
Within a month or so of beginning treatment with the EMSAM patch my major depression had lifted entirely and was considered in remission. I had found my ‘miracle’ antidepressant.
I found something else that works for me. If I started to feel depressed, I tried to figure out the source of the feeling. Once I did, I took action to try to get a positive outcome to counteract the negative emotion.
The use of EMSAM and the continuing status of my major depression as mild gave me the wherewithal to transition from male to female.
Resources for Help:
- If you or someone you know is having mental health or addiction issues or is in need of support, please contact one of the pastors or the parish nurse.
- Dial 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. The website https://988lifeline.org has links for those seeking help and those seeking to help someone else. The Talk to Someone Now link opens a page with not only the 988 number but also links to chat in English and Spanish.
- According to the National Institute of Mental Health, there are several types of depression:
Two common forms of depression
- Major depression, which includes symptoms of depression most of the time for at least 2 weeks that typically interfere with one’s ability to work, sleep, study, and eat.
- Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia), which often includes less severe symptoms of depression that last much longer, typically for at least two years.
Other Forms of Depression
- Perinatal depression, which occurs when a woman experiences major depression during pregnancy or after delivery (postpartum depression).
- Seasonal affective disorder, which comes and goes with the seasons, typically starting in late fall and early winter and going away during spring and summer.
- Depression with symptoms of psychosis, which is a severe form of depression where a person experiences psychosis symptoms, such as delusions (disturbing, false fixed beliefs) or hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that others do not see or hear).
- Individuals diagnosed with bipolar disorder (formerly called manic depression or manic-depressive illness) also experience depression.
Common Symptoms of Depression
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
- Feelings of irritability, frustration‚ or restlessness
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies or activities
- Decreased energy, fatigue, or being “slowed down”
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Changes in appetite or unplanned weight changes
- Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause and that do not ease even with treatment
- Suicide attempts or thoughts of death or suicide (U.S. Department of Health and Humas Services, National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health, Depression, url: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression, Revised 2021).”
